Brain Explosion 2015 Episode 2

Amber and Logan are asleep. The animals have bedded down. I am up. Always up. It isn't that I am not tired; it's more like I am too tired, thinking too much about too many things, and have the usual thoughts that I can normally just brush off. They say that depression gets better, but there isn't necessarily a cure other than time. It'll eventually go away.

I took my last bottle of Zoloft and smashed it 11 or 12 years ago. I told myself and my doctor that I am never taking it again. I am done, I am better than this. I've removed the problem from my life, so I don't need these. Then I have these quiet moments. The ones where I am left to just my own thoughts and you know what? I am jealous of the claustrophobic, they can leave the cage. I am jealous of the arachnophobic, you can sign up for service with Orkin. What do you do when the thing you are most afraid of is thinking about your life, or remembering you past?

I used to play video games to occupy my time, but then I became an addict. I stayed up for an entire week playing Diablo 2: LoD, once. I've spent days awake recently with Skyrim, and many other games old and new. You can only do that so many times before you realize that you are sleeping when you should be watching your son. You've got the gate closed to keep him out of trouble, while he is finding a marker and coloring the hearth and the couch.

I tried booze. Getting drunk and watching Netflix. The problem with drinking with a high metabolism is that it gets expensive, and fast. Unless you want to drink on an empty stomach. Then it costs less to get you drunk than anyone else. My low point there was drinking 1.5 bottles of rum, 6 flavored beers, and 2 bottles of wine. I still went to bed thinking too much. I was uncoordinated and sloppy, but my brain did not shut up. Hell of it is? I remembered everything I did that night.

One gets tired of being tired, but when I wake up at 5 AM I feel like I was productive. I mean, sure, it's hard NOT to get some things done when you are up anywhere from 17-21 hours of your day. But I wish I could sleep for 8 hours without spending that time fighting in my head. I learned to dream lucidly because I have to. Because my dreams used to be so unpleasant that I had to control them. They're still unpleasant, but now I can toy with what-if scenarios, or - if the dream is not based off of my life - attempt to go for the most positive outcome available.

So it seems like every time I come on here it is to complain, but I assure you it is better than what I want to do with all these thoughts. Maybe I should see a psychologist...

So another fun week at work. By the time Friday arrived I had a table covered in things to do. But through the combination of not taking a formal lunch - I ate at my workstation while continuing to engrave - and having gotten used to my job I rocked out everything but two projects. Sadly, those two projects amount to roughly 100 items to engrave. So... I'll have them done by the end of the day Wednesday, if all goes according to plan. In short, everything is great and life is good.

Right in the Childhood

Pokémon​ Black and White has new episodes on Netflix​. Just finished S3:E31 and all I can say is...

Pokemon, no.

Pokemon, stahp.

Pokemon, what are you doing?

Well, at least their writers know what they are doing. All in this one episode the female character says "maybe Discharge will taste good" and "happy endings are the best." She has said other dirty things in other recent episodes. My childhood cries tears of blood!

Brain Explosion 2015 Episode 1

So here is the problem with me going to bed at a "normal" time. I went to bed at 22:00, and I am now awake. Actually, I have been since 03:00. First thing that kept me up was the realization that I need to do some dishes - still haven't. Second thing that has kept me up is the realization that I need a shower and good lotioning - thank God I can touch every part of my body on my own. Third is the new cat (Oliver) who seems to think "oh, you're up! It must be time to eat." No, it is not. I should not be awake but for the fact that I went to be before midnight.

So as I am awake I am thinking of lots of things - not freaking out about the new job, I am actually kind of excited about the idea of Amber working less. Thinking of food - doesn't help that I am watching Bizarre Foods. I am thinking about things I want to try to cook. I am also thinking of how easy this whole "fuck you, Hershey!" thing is going to be.

At the risk of sounding like a chocolate snob, Hershey makes NOTHING I cannot do without. "What about your love of the Reese's Peanut Butter cup, Zach?" Well, my wife makes these chocolate/peanut butter balls that make Reese's PB cups taste like something you scraped off of the bottom of your shoe. Seriously, Hershey, you have NOTHING going for you. Then you go and stop being the American distributor for Cadbury? Go sit in a corner and figure your shit out.

So they make some products similar to yours? Be honest with yourself, try their product then try yours. Which is better? Step back from your employer and really think about it. Further, in my younger and more competitive days I welcomed rivals. If you have rivals, you have a reason to continually improve. Rivals are good for your skill. Get rid of the competition and you will fall into a state of talent-decay. Judging from where your candies are at now, talent decay is the absolute last thing you need right now.

But what about the cooking thing? One is simple, the other is a little bit less so. Both require some similar ingredients. There are other foods I am thinking of, but for the most part it is these two on my mind. The one is fairly simply going to be spiced - still up in the air as to exactly which I will use, but I have a good idea - chicken breast, sliced thin on a tortilla with chilies. Simple, serve the different parts on separate plates so that people can mix it as they please. Perhaps a salsa on the side to dip it in, or add directly before you roll the tortilla - I won't judge. Simple, but delicious, food.

The other bit, my wife can thank someone we went to high school with, strawberry cheesecake chimichangas. I wanna try it for a few reasons, mainly "can Zach still cook?" The other reason being that it just sounds good, but it would be a dessert-first night. Get the fried food out of the way so you can follow it with something simple and clean to help avoid the disgusting post-fried-foods blahs.

The chimichangas aside from making me think of Deadpool - for reasons that better be painfully obvious - it has made me wonder one of my usual things I brood too much on.

Something, something, something spirit animal something something.

So this brooding-thing, I am letting this one go. I used to think too much about what I call people I went to high school with. I also used to wonder if they hated me then, or hated me now. Today, something is different. I don't care. "The past is dead, only the future is alive." This is a simplified version of the seventh rule mentioned in the Sword of Truth series. Anyone who has present dealings with me obviously does not care that I was an asshole in high school, and continue to be one in the present. Sure, sure "you're not that bad Zach." You are not inside my head, I'm not bad because I have learned to bite my tongue.

The last part of this brain explosion: I have wrecked the Empire in Skyrim worse than the Aldmeri Dominion ever did. They may have captured the imperial city, and brought mankind to their knees, but my conquest has been subtle. My conquest has been economic. Have you ever stopped to consider the far-reaching implications of your purchases and amassing of wealth in video games? I sometimes wish economics were a consideration in gaming so that you could see the effect of your hoarding.

Approaching 500,000 septims (the currency of the Empire in Skyrim) on my person.. At this point, due to all the extra septims I have ensured the minting of, their currency is worth nothing. Perhaps on the paladin I am actually role playing with I will do more to have a less negative impact on the imaginary economic state of the world. So here is your homework people: do you know a developer/programmer/etc... convince them to bring up the notion of creating a game that takes inflation into account. Generally, as you play your speech skills grow allowing you to purchase items for less money. But, let's be real, as you amass wealth in a game and cause the minting of more currency... products should be costing more. It won't be a problem for you, because your wealth is now such that a $5 object now costing $20 won't affect you, but what about the poor of the game? I know that current tech does not permit too much depth in this respect, but one day... Call me a sadist but I wanna see the poor getting poorer, disease becoming a greater problem, and an increase in homeless and thievery.

Why do I want to see these negative real-world things in my video games? Realism. In. Gaming. I want an arrow to the knee *eye roll* to have lasting effects: even after the arrow is removed, your health is replenished, and the wound closed I want to see you limp. Unless, of course, you happened to go to a skilled healer. Then you add two excellent elements to gaming: different levels of skill with healers: you go to the cheap doctor for the thing that is inconsequential; you go to the expensive doctor to make sure you stay pretty or function well. The easiest way to summarize is that I would like to see less in the way of fantasy and escape from reality and it's burdens in my gaming - though a certain amount of that may be allowed.

What I would like is for a certain set of games to be more of a... simulation of life in fantastic circumstances: mandate eating, sleeping, use of bathroom (even if you don't show the act), etc... sure this gives you a wall of meters to watch ("you are dangerously tired," "eat something soon or you will pass out," you have a nosebleed from a lack of moisture," etc...). Call me weird, but I want to feel less invincible when I play a game. I want to feel mortal, so that when I beat the villain who has been my nemesis the entire game in two rounds (looking at you Kuja from Final Fantasy IX) I can feel like it is an achievement in and of itself, not a bar set for "can I do it in one round next time?"

And now that I am no longer mentally overburdened, and you are carrying some of the weight of my brain, I bid you adieu. Have a great day, and I will see you bitches later tonight.