Brain Explosion 2015 Episode 2

Amber and Logan are asleep. The animals have bedded down. I am up. Always up. It isn't that I am not tired; it's more like I am too tired, thinking too much about too many things, and have the usual thoughts that I can normally just brush off. They say that depression gets better, but there isn't necessarily a cure other than time. It'll eventually go away.

I took my last bottle of Zoloft and smashed it 11 or 12 years ago. I told myself and my doctor that I am never taking it again. I am done, I am better than this. I've removed the problem from my life, so I don't need these. Then I have these quiet moments. The ones where I am left to just my own thoughts and you know what? I am jealous of the claustrophobic, they can leave the cage. I am jealous of the arachnophobic, you can sign up for service with Orkin. What do you do when the thing you are most afraid of is thinking about your life, or remembering you past?

I used to play video games to occupy my time, but then I became an addict. I stayed up for an entire week playing Diablo 2: LoD, once. I've spent days awake recently with Skyrim, and many other games old and new. You can only do that so many times before you realize that you are sleeping when you should be watching your son. You've got the gate closed to keep him out of trouble, while he is finding a marker and coloring the hearth and the couch.

I tried booze. Getting drunk and watching Netflix. The problem with drinking with a high metabolism is that it gets expensive, and fast. Unless you want to drink on an empty stomach. Then it costs less to get you drunk than anyone else. My low point there was drinking 1.5 bottles of rum, 6 flavored beers, and 2 bottles of wine. I still went to bed thinking too much. I was uncoordinated and sloppy, but my brain did not shut up. Hell of it is? I remembered everything I did that night.

One gets tired of being tired, but when I wake up at 5 AM I feel like I was productive. I mean, sure, it's hard NOT to get some things done when you are up anywhere from 17-21 hours of your day. But I wish I could sleep for 8 hours without spending that time fighting in my head. I learned to dream lucidly because I have to. Because my dreams used to be so unpleasant that I had to control them. They're still unpleasant, but now I can toy with what-if scenarios, or - if the dream is not based off of my life - attempt to go for the most positive outcome available.

So it seems like every time I come on here it is to complain, but I assure you it is better than what I want to do with all these thoughts. Maybe I should see a psychologist...